Does your child speak up and ask for help at school? If not, here is a guide to help your child develop self-advocacy skills.
When it comes to parenting, there are a few well known styles. The helicopter parent, who hovers over every detail in their child’s life and supposedly knows all, from their child’s close friends to where they hide snacks in their bedroom. At the other end of the spectrum you have the free range parent, who takes a hands-off approach, allowing their child to board a subway alone at 5 years old to visit a classmate on the other side of the city. Yet another popular parenting style is the bulldozer, who plows over every obstacle in the way of their child, all in the name of efficiency and love.
The problem with this trifecta of terrible parenting approaches is that they do not provide opportunities for the child to learn how to self-advocate. While each style may seem to be borne out of love and good intentions, if the goal is to raise well-adjusted and positive contributing members of society, each of these parenting styles falls short.
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So for those of you reading this and asking, “Okay, smarty, then what is the best parenting style?” We refer you to the book Building Resilience in Children and Teens by Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg in which he advocates for a “Lighthouse parenting style.” The parent adopts a balanced approach that allows you to connect with your child and for them to learn life’s lessons but also guides children to navigate the world within safe and moral boundaries. It is this parenting style that will best allow your child to learn self-advocacy skills.
What is self-advocating?
Self-advocating is the communication of one’s needs, views, or interests. The website Understood says that self-advocacy has three key elements:
- Understanding your needs
- Knowing what kind of support might help
- Communicating these needs to others
The Churchill Center and School, recognized for excellence in educating students with learning disabilities, takes it a step further and has created a four step plan to build self-advocacy.
- Know your strengths
- Be aware of your weaknesses
- Identify strategies to overcome those weaknesses
- Effectively communicate your needs to others
Clearly children need assistance developing these skills. Parents, teachers, and other adults who work with children can help kids acquire these critical abilities.
Developing self-advocacy
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While all children can learn to self-advocate, students with learning differences often have accompanying low self-esteem, which can make speaking up even more difficult. Michigan State University has some excellent strategies for building self-advocating skills in children.
One such strategy is to give the child ownership of a problem. Helicopter and bulldozer parents, this is for you! Resist the urge to jump in and solve the problem.
MSU also recommends teaching your child to understand and validate their emotions. Avoid telling your child how they should feel. Avoid comments like “That didn’t hurt, get up and keep playing.” Rather, say, “That looks like it might have hurt. Do you want a break or do you want to keep playing?”
Nurturing independence in low-stakes environments is important to the process too. Allow your child to order for himself in a restaurant. If you are in a store and your child needs assistance, have her ask a worker for help.
Some children will take to this more naturally. Others may need some extra coaching. Understood has a selection of self-advocacy sentence starters you might find helpful. For example, the starters are broken down into common learning difference categories such as ADHD and dyscalculia.
Building self-esteem is critical to the process. Marcia Brown Rubinstien, MA, CEP says, “The strongest self-advocates are those who feel best about themselves.”
Building self-advocacy
Knowing when we need help and admitting we need help are important elements to foster when building self-advocacy skills in children. Not all children recognize this. The excellent website Edutopia has some great advice for helping children develop awareness when their bodies might be sending them messages.
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Physical sensations might indicate tension. Indications of frustration or confusion are a faster heart rate, sweat, and or tension in the arms and hands. Teach your child to recognize these physical sensations and encourage them to take a break and reflect on what is causing them. This level of self-awareness can often help them recognize that they need help before they become overwhelmed.
But what does a child do when she learns she is frustrated but doesn’t know how to ask for help? In 2014 researchers Prater, Redman, Anderson, and Gibb developed the FESTA steps for requesting instructional accommodations.
The students are taught to:
- F – Face the teacher
- E – Maintain eye contact
- S – State the accommodation they require and the reason they are asking for it
- T – Thank the teacher
- A – Use the accommodation
Of course practice and role playing at home can help your child develop the confidence to use these steps.
Final thoughts
Children with learning differences often struggle to speak up. With a history of negative experiences in school, some kids simply give up and relegate themselves to feeling like classroom furniture, waiting for the end of school day to find relieve from the torture of school.
But every child can be taught to self-advocate. And school should not be torture! By practicing at home – employing a “lighthouse” or balanced parenting style – with low-stakes situations, children can gain confidence to speak up in class when it matters. Help your child learn their strengths and to become aware of their weaknesses. Build a toolbox of strategies that work in the classroom that your child is comfortable asking for and using. Rehearse, rehearse, rehearse at home!
If your child struggles to speak up for their needs and does not self-advocate, contact Jennifer Disch at Engage the Brain to discuss strategies to help your child develop these critical life skills.
Source: https://t-tees.com
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