Everyone wants to be in a happy, healthy relationship, but what this looks like can vary dramatically between couples.
While factors such as trust, mood, intimacy and fulfillment are all important aspects of any relationship, certain biological markers can also indicate a happy, healthy bond. These include feeling sleepy around your partner, according to psychologists.
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“People in romantic relationships tend to have higher levels of oxytocin, a hormone associated with pair bonding,” Madeline Sprajcer, a psychology lecturer at Australia’s Central Queensland University, told Newsweek. “It also appears that oxytocin can have a positive impact on our sleep.”
Oxytocin has been shown to make people fall asleep more quickly and rest more efficiently, with an increase in restorative REM [rapid eye movement] sleep episodes. This so-called love hormone is often released during sexual activity, particularly during orgasm. Oxytocin can be released by simply being in the presence of a romantic partner to whom you are strongly attached, Sprajcer said.
She and her colleagues found that regular relationships, sexual satisfaction and increased frequency of orgasm were all associated with reduced sleep latency—in other words, finding it easier to fall asleep. The results of the study were published in the journal Sleep Science in 2022.
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“Research suggests that it is the quality of the relationships—in other words, how secure you are in the relationship—that can improve your sleep,” Sprajcer said.
Emre Selçuk, an associate professor of psychology at Turkey’s Sabanci University, was able to quantitatively demonstrate this association in a study. This was published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science in 2017.
“We found that perceived partner responsiveness—that is, the extent to which you feel that your partner understands, appreciates and really cares for you—is a critical predictor of sleep quality,” Selçuk told Newsweek.
These results were largely due to lower levels of anxiety in those who felt that they were in healthy, nurturing relationships. “High-quality sleep, or what researchers call restorative sleep, requires a relaxed state,” Selçuk said. “Anxiety or stress remaining from the day may interfere with falling asleep or may lead to frequent awakenings.” This is largely because of high concentrations of the stress hormone cortisol in the body.
The level of cortisol in our bodies naturally fluctuates throughout the day, peaking in the early morning and reaching its lowest point at night. It essentially acts as a biochemical cup of coffee. The cortisol increases our alertness in the morning and then dwindles throughout the day to help us rest at night.
However, chronic stress can disrupt these daily cycles, maintaining elevated cortisol levels throughout the night and affecting sleep quality.
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“Our research group showed that participants who live with a responsive partner exhibit a healthier diurnal [daily] cortisol profile,” Selçuk said. “So I suspect that relationship partners’ role in regulating cortisol might be one of the biological mechanisms that may explain why happy relationships promote sleep quality.”
The interplay between oxytocin and cortisol may also affect our sleep quality, Sprajcer said: “Oxytocin can also reduce cortisol, a stress hormone, which is also associated with better sleep.”
However, just because you struggle to sleep does not necessarily reflect badly on your relationship. “Romantic relationships are only one of the many factors that affect your sleep quality,” Selçuk said. “A multitude of other factors are at play simultaneously in addition to your romantic relationship, such as your work relationships, physical health, stress levels, and the noise and lighting level in the room.”
Conversely, feeling sleepy around your partner is not a foolproof indicator of a happy relationship. “The calm and quiescent state that partners instil almost borders boredom,” Selçuk said. “The feeling that there is nothing else to do or to share with your partner can make you sleepy in their company.”
Selçuk added: “Keeping the spark in your relationship, while at the same time experiencing protective health benefits, like cortisol regulation and better sleep, requires imbuing your relationship with positive experiences.”
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