Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.
Dear Care and Feeding,
You are viewing: Why Is My Husband Mean To My Son
My spouse and I parent two kiddos, a 2.5-year-old and an 8-year-old. Our 8-year-old seems to be fairly typical. He talks back frequently, he doesn’t do things we ask him to do as speedily as we want him to do them and sometimes he flat out doesn’t hear us. This all seems well within the range of 8-year-old behavior to me, and while it’s annoying, it’s par for the parenting course.
My spouse, however, is outraged at these things. He sees this as willful disobedience and often responds to our child in a mocking way. For example, if I ask our son to do something and he is distracted and walking through the house while trying to watch whatever is on TV and accidentally trips over a toy, I might say, “Hey bud, didn’t you see that toy there? I know you’re really interested in the TV show, but try to watch where you are going. Let’s pause the show.”
Of course, it’s my fault for not pausing the show first; I didn’t set conditions that allowed my kid to do what I was asking him to do successfully. My husband, though, will respond in a mocking tone to the kiddo tripping with, “Oh, of course he didn’t see it. He never sees anything unless it’s something he wants to see.” This holds true for everything the kid does. My husband always responds to our son’s talking back/ignoring us/doing something like the above in a mocking tone that somehow sets the flaw/fault with the 8-year-old. Don’t get me wrong—the kid isn’t an angel—and we have expectations set up for his behavior etc. I just don’t think it’s productive to start an interaction with him in a way that will make him defensive and angry when there are other ways to approach the interaction.
— Married to a Mocker
Dear Married to a Mocker,
It’s challenging for two parents to have such different approaches to communication (positive versus negative reinforcement). Your son is eight, so I’m assuming this isn’t a new dynamic. I’d suggest asking your husband if his style of interaction with your son has consistently yielded his intended results. If he admits that it hasn’t, try asking if he’d be willing to work with you on different strategies for giving directives, setting rules, and implementing consequences for bad behavior. Parenting classes that focus on positive reinforcement can be really valuable in helping people shift their mindset from anger and punishment, to solutions that focus on cooperation and natural consequences. You might try to see if there’s an organization like this one close to your home.
If he’s rigid and insists that taunting has merit, you may need to involve an outside mediator. Try finding a family counselor to help you and your husband figure out a communication style that will be effective with your son.
P.S. In your letter, it sounds like you feel like you set your son up for failure by not pausing the TV show he was watching before asking him to complete a task. You didn’t. He should be able to redirect his attention without you having to intervene in such a direct way. If he can’t, he should be taught to pause the activity he’s doing on his own, when you ask for his attention. Don’t feel like you have to be in the habit of removing all distractions before he listens to you.
Dear Care and Feeding,
You are viewing: Why Is My Husband Mean To My Son
I am currently 28 years old. Ever since I was twelve, I’ve wanted nothing more than to be a mother. For years I daydreamed about getting married and having kids. I grew up an only child in a verbally and mentally abusive household and was very much looking forward to breaking the cycle. But over the last sixteen years, my life has not turned out the way I thought it would (surprise, surprise!).
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I am currently single, still living in my abusive childhood home, do not drive (due to unrelated neurological issues), and have only just begun at a minimum wage job. I am filled with anxiety over being able to care for myself, let alone even one child. I am starting to give up on the idea of parenting, and it hurts me so badly inside. I know that emotionally, I could give my children everything, but financially? Not quite yet. So I guess my question is, am I giving up on the idea TOO quickly? Is there still time? Is there any hope for me?
— Nervous in New York
Dear Nervous in New York,
There’s always hope. 28 is still relatively young for potential childbirth. Don’t rule it out altogether so soon. While you’re waiting, it may also be a good idea to make sure that you’re taking care of yourself as well as you can. It sounds like your home life has been traumatizing. Take some time to focus on re-parenting yourself. You are an adult child in need of the love and nurturing you hope to give to your own children in the future. Practice that care in your own life first by seeking the professional support and resources you need to find safe, affordable housing so that you can live in a more compassionate and encouraging environment.
Continue to ask yourself what you would need in order to ensure that any children you may have will not suffer the same abuses you did. What steps would you need to take to protect them? Taking those steps will help you feel more confident about your future and its possibilities.
If you’re at all interested in working with children other than the ones you hope to have biologically, you could also try volunteering with a children’s literacy or youth mentoring organization. And if you haven’t already, find someone credentialed to talk to about providing yourself the love and support you still need.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
You are viewing: Why Is My Husband Mean To My Son
I always thought my mother was a good parent, but lately I’ve noticed her response to negative emotion is almost always to dismiss or invalidate it. She is quite emotionally open and I can usually tell how she’s feeling. If she’s sad, I give her a hug and comfort her. But if I’m sad, she tells me I’m being ridiculous. If she is mad, I stay quiet and try not to get yelled at. If I’m mad, she “is tired of hearing me bitching.” If I ever feel depressed or unmotivated, then she tells me I’m lazy. If I ask too many questions because her instructions didn’t make sense to me or I get anxious about doing a task correctly, I’m incompetent. How do I talk to her about this without seeming like I’m lecturing her?
— Worried About My Mental Health
Dear Worried,
It sounds like you have enough examples of this double standard to present it to your mother as evidence that her behavior is unfair and harmful to you. It’s possible that your mom is unaware of how different you treat her feelings than how she treats yours. If that’s the case, pointing that out may be instructive to her in the future. If she already knows, though, there may be no easy way to compel her to treat you differently. If you haven’t let her know how painful her behavior has been, do that. Then figure out how to spend less time engaging with her when she’s using hurtful language and criticism to communicate. You’re allowed to remove yourself from any situation that doesn’t serve you, even one with your mother. If you don’t live with her, consider visiting a bit less and let her know why. If you do live with her, try advocating for yourself with declarations like, “I can’t continue having this conversation with you if you’re only going to insult me.” Maybe realizing that she’s receiving fewer opportunities to mistreat you will make her reconsider her behavior. Wishing you the best!
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Dear Care and Feeding,
You are viewing: Why Is My Husband Mean To My Son
Prior to the pandemic, my husband and I had come to some strong alignment around screen time use for our three children (ages 8, 7, and 5). We allowed some screen time each day, but were also pretty careful about balancing that out with other pursuits—creative projects, time outside, time reading, etc. We didn’t set any limits when we were on vacation or when we were visiting someone else’s home. Our children were used to this routine and were fairly good about not trying to push the limits.
Well, needless to say, COVID has completely upended our lives and our screen time boundaries. My husband and I both worked remotely from home while our children tried to do Zoom school (the 5-year-old had an especially tough time, for obvious reasons). Our kids got significantly more screentime – both school related and just for fun – than they’d ever had. We noticed some negative side effects like increased irritability and decreased attention span. But our family was in crisis mode, and screentime was a battle we just didn’t have the energy to pick.
Now that our entire family is vaccinated and school is back in-person, we’ve been trying to scale back screen time and our kids are not having it. We have nightly battles and meltdowns over “just five more minutes!” with the iPad or phone. I’ve caught my oldest trying to sneak her iPhone from the family room into her bedroom to have more screen time when she should be sleeping. Yesterday, the kids went outside ostensibly to play but I later learned they spent the entire time sitting on a bench watching a movie.
I know some of this is developmentally appropriate, some of this is leftover trauma from COVID upending our lives, and some of this is the addictive quality of screens. But I hate what this is doing to our family. How can I help my kids remember how to enjoy life without unlimited screen time? Can I ever get them back to the place they used to be, where they were ok with screen time limits, or has that ship forever sailed? Please advise.
— Concerned Mama
Dear Concerned Mama,
- We Found Our 15-Year-Old Son’s Poetry. Oh God.
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- My In-Laws Say Our Son Acts “Too Feminine” and Needs to “Toughen Up.”
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This may call for a family meeting. Sit everyone down and be open with your kids about what the pandemic has done to the structure and discipline you’d implemented before lockdown, as well as what it’s done to their routines and enthusiasm for spending time in the outside world.
Before this meeting, brainstorm with your husband about what sorts of new boundaries and incentives you can offer the kids to help them reintegrate to a more open, less restrictive outside experience. At minimum, start by asking everyone to spend an hour outside without their devices. Ask that they all leave them in a visible spot (perhaps on the same table, counter or ledge). Reward them for sticking to screen-free time by rewarding them with something they value (other than getting their phones and tablets back).
It will be slow-going. It’s been nearly two years of undoing the way things were. It’ll take a while to restore some semblance of order when things had become so restrictive during the quarantine era. Be patient with the kids and with yourselves.
—Stacia
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More Advice From Slate
When my wife was pregnant with our first child, I was really nervous about the prospect of fatherhood and wasn’t the kindest. After denying the pregnancy was even real, I asked her to abort and said if she didn’t, I hoped she miscarried. She had a rough pregnancy health-wise and says she felt very alone. Now, five years later, I love my child dearly and deeply regret my reaction during the first trimester, but my wife will not move past it. She says it deeply hurt her, and she doesn’t know if she’ll ever be able to get over it despite my explaining the fear that caused my reaction. I want another child, but she’s afraid of my reacting in the same way. She thinks I am a great father to our existing child. How can I convince her it will be different this time around?
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Category: WHY
