There is that question that always comes up when you meet people from your previous life, former teachers, classmates, relatives that you have lost touch with. that question framed in various forms but most commonly expressed as, where are you now?

That wide sweeping and all blanketing question that is not specific in its query but rather seeks to penetrate into your being for the sole purpose of exposing your insides. you wonder what is being asked of you, from you. you wonder if this is a passing casual conversation pusher or fodder for gossip or whether you are being asked to justify your own existence, your space in this earth, your reason for being here.

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Is this question about where you live? where you work? your marital status? your socio- economic development? i don’t know! i never know how to answer it! it is especially difficult when as an individual you feel like you have not lived up to your potential and you feel like you have to justify who you are at that given space in time. it is worse when you have not lived to up to societal expectations of who you should be what you should have accomplished at that given moment.

Recently a whatsapp group was formed to encompass my classmates in high school. i went to an all girl national school. at first people just said hi hallo and its been long etc etc. at some point someone posted a photo with their child or children. someone called it development. the term development quickly picked up and was adapted to mean children. soon everyone was requested to post their photo as well as their development. some expanded this further to include husbands.

soon after, there were some exits from the group. the admin was asked to investigate why people were leaving the group and others even after being added were not participating at all. after inquiring, the admin reported that the ladies who did not have children nor husbands were feeling left out by all the ‘developments’ being posted. there were other reasons as to why people were leaving but this reason of not being married or having kids made me sad as a woman.

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our all girls high school was national in status meaning only the cream of the crop attended, of course save for a few who came through the back door, this is Kenya after all. even then, the attitude at the school was about excellence and high achievement. we were motivated to work hard and shine out there in our careers. i don’t remember a motivational speech about marriage and children. maybe the occasional abstinence till marriage lecture which most of us took as a time to rest from serious studies.

i have even heard in passing that women call their children as their doctorate or their masters degrees. i am a mother and very proud of my son, but is this what defines me as an individual? should this be what defines us as women? why should a woman be discouraged by her own judgment from participating in such a forum just because she does not have what the society expects her to have? no children, no husband. is this the sum value of a woman in the African society?

from experience, i know what is being asked of me when someone asks me; ‘where are you?’ it is my wish a s a woman, that i wouldn’t be embarrassed by the fact that i am not yet married, but rather that i would feel bad about the other non starter facts about my life like not managing to get into my field of choice, not doing what i love, not affording to pursue my education to my desired limits and such like aspects of my life. it cannot be that the sum of my value be limited to my child bearing capabilities or my husband catching skills.

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