Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What’s with the pointy red hats?
A: Gnomes have worn their iconic red hats for many thousands of years, since the days when wizards used them for manual labor in strip mines. Originally symbols of subservience, pointy red hats became a symbol of pride after the vegetable patch riots of 465 A.D., when Grumblebump Licklequip VII led the gnomes to freedom. After the battle, Grumblebump removed the blood-soaked hat of a dead wizard, placed it on his head, and declared, “It’s OK, I’m taking it back.”
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Q: Is that true?
A: Sure.
Q: Why do people decorate their lawns with gnome statues?
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A: Contrary to popular belief, human beings do not actually decorate their greenery with small gnome statues. This is, in fact, the work of gnomes themselves, who sneak into human neighborhoods at night and erect likenesses of themselves. They do this to strike fear into the hearts of humans who encroach upon their land. Should this fail, the statues emit an undetectable gas that kills humans over the period of 60-80 years.
Q: Do all gnomes have beards?
A: Gnomes are typically born with only short goatees that grow slowly over time. By the time they reach their 400th birthday, a gnome’s beard will have reached its full length and cease to grow. By this time, the beard roots itself in the jawbone and becomes a permanent fixture of the gnome’s skeletomuscular system. For this reason, even fossilized gnome bones have beards.
On rare occasions, a gnome is born with a handlebar mustache instead of a goatee. Born as outcasts, they are often shunned and grow up to hate their gnome brethren. These anti-gnomes typically spend their lives laying poorly-designed traps for their bearded brothers, which often backfire to hilarious effect.
Q: What do gnomes eat?
A: For reasons unknown to modern science, gnomes are only capable of eating completely adorable foods. While this problem is frequently solved by the simple miniaturization of other foods, as with pigs in blankets, such pre-made foods are not always available. Over countless generations, gnomes have evolved the ability to make their food irresistibly cute. Be it a bento box expertly arranged to look like a simpering kitten, or a smiling breakfast plate of eggs and bacon, gnomes find any way to make a meal cute enough to eat.
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Fun gnome fact: many simple but cute snacks originally came to us from interactions with gnomes. The simple arrangement of raisins on a peanut butter-coated celery stalk may not seem cute at first, but by calling it “ants on a log,” this snack is made suitable for gnomish consumption.
Q: I found an injured gnome. What should I do?
A: Don’t touch it! It could be armed. First, you’ll want to determine its age by approximating the length of its beard. There’s a simple test for this — hold your hand flat with your fingers pressed together, each finger width should equal approximately 100 years of beard growth. If the gnome has a mustache instead, contact the authorities immediately.
Next, you’ll need to determine the severity of its injuries. Using a long stick, gently poke the gnome’s midsection. If it makes a noise like, “Oi! That feckin’ smarts!” then its injuries are likely not that severe. Simply leave it alone and it should leave your yard after a few minutes.
If the gnome makes a sound more like, “Ohhh, me toiny spleen…” the situation is more severe. Using gardening gloves, gently pick up the gnome and place it in a shoebox. You can try to feed it a small amount of honey, but only if it comes in a cute bear bottle. If you can, try to wrap the gnome in a small towel and check on it every 15 minutes. If after 4 hours there is no sign of improvement, contact your nearest Dungeons and Dragons nerd and inform them of the situation.
If the gnome makes no sound at all but a dull tapping, you’re prodding a ceramic garden gnome. Good job, you’ve pissed off a nearby colony.
Source: https://t-tees.com
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