Codependents don’t typically see ending the relationship as an option, if only because they’d see doing so as a failure, and a personal failure at that. Remember, saving the relationship is the codependent’s “job.” The codependent sees it as his or her responsibility. The narcissist, finding it valuable to keep someone around who’s willing to sacrifice his or her boundaries and self to please the narcissist, will continue to string the codependent along and give them just enough attention to keep the codependent’s hope alive.

The narcissist will happily keep the relationship going as long as the codependent can meet their need for constant admiration, which is exactly how the codependent acts to chase the high. Therefore the narcissist will only break the cycle if the codependent stops being codependent.

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Without therapeutic intervention or behavioral dynamic changes, the cycle healing on its own is highly unlikely.

However it is important if you are a codependent who is tired of chasing and wants to break the cycle, it’s important to become self aware. Start by asking yourself some questions:

• How happy or unhappy are you in this relationship?
• How satisfied are you in this relationship?
• Do you feel good?
• Do you feel terrible?

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Recognise that your passive codependency is probably present in many of your other relationships as well. How many times do you say “I don’t mind, I’ll do whatever you want to do”? These behaviours probably started in childhood and have become so ingrained that you may not even recognise them in other situations. Start noticing when you are being passive. You don’t have to necessarily do anything right now but noticing is the start of change.

When you are ready you can start to assert yourself in safe friendships. The next time your friend asks what you want to eat for dinner, tell them instead of saying it doesn’t matter. If your order at a restaurant comes out wrong, nicely send it back instead of just eating it. These small steps will build your confidence to start drawing boundaries in your relationship.

Keep practicing. It won’t come easy at first but you can do it. But be aware that others will probably react negatively initially because they aren’t used to you behaving this way and they may feel threatened. Breaking the codependency cycle means maintaining your boundaries and assertiveness DESPITE other people’s reactions which can feel very uncomfortable at first as you are so used to putting others’ needs first and people pleasing. Putting yourself first is a new habit and one you have to be committed to practicing if you want to see change.

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