Despite what you may have seen in “Star Wars: The Force Awakens,” when the galaxy’s beloved Han Solo gets light-saber-murdered by his own ungrateful son, actor Harrison Ford is very much still with us. In fact, he turned 80 on Wednesday, having survived all manner of pyramid-based snakes, poison darts, gunfights, police chases and, in real life, an inordinate number of plane crashes.
Ford’s age is objectively remarkable and personally offensive, as it makes me feel old. This is the Indiana Jones I grew up watching, and if he’s 80, then I must be … ugh.
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In honor of Mr. Ford’s ascension to octogenarian status, let us ponder the multitude of ways his characters, and sometimes the man himself, evaded death.
‘American Graffiti’ should’ve been the end
Ford should have learned a lesson about reckless behavior early in his career when his character, Bob Falfa, in 1973’s “American Graffiti” took part in what I have to believe was an illegal drag race along Paradise Road. A tire blow-out causes Falfa to crash and catch fire, but Ford’s character emerges from the wreckage, launching a career-long trend of seeming like he should be dead then ending up being very much alive.
‘Indiana Jones’ and unrealistic immortality
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It would take 472 days to assemble all the ways Ford’s character should have died in the various “Indiana Jones” movies. Runaway boulder? He survives! Face-melting Nazis? No problem! They should’ve titled one of the installments “Indiana Jones & The Inescapable Reality That Death Comes For Us All, Except For Him, He’ll Be Fine, Folks.”
But the moment we all knew this dude would live to 80 and still look spry was when he was trapped in the Well of Souls in “Raiders of the Lost Ark” surrounded by a couple million poisonous snakes and a raging case of ophidiophobia, then managed to get out using a torch and a bull whip. Indy should’ve been snake chow, and we all know it and we just let it happen!
Surviving replicants in ‘Blade Runner’
OK, buckle up, because this part’s going to age you: In 1982’s “Blade Runner,” Ford played a sort of robot hunter working in the bleak, dystopian year of 2019. The violent humanoid “replicants” he was tracking didn’t kill him, because of course they didn’t, but now that we’ve passed 2019 without going full-dystopia, we have to imagine Ford is trapped somewhere in cinematic time and this person who has just turned 80 is likely … well, it’s clear we need Harrison Ford to show up and dispose of Harrison Ford.
Playing the role of ‘not great pilot’
Along with all his on-screen roles, Ford has delivered a lifelong, Oscar-worthy performance as a bumbling airplane pilot. In 2000, his plane was blown off a runway by a gust of wind while landing in Nebraska. In 2015, the engine on Ford’s two-seater plane failed and he had to land on a Southern California golf course. In 2017, Ford narrowly missed a collision with an American Airlines airliner.
The couple times Ford did die
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Filmmakers for the 1986 movie “The Mosquito Coast” apparently didn’t get the memo about Ford’s unflagging fortitude and allowed his character to expire at the end of the film. I don’t really remember the movie, but I’m going to assume he was devoured by mosquitoes.
And while the great Han Solo survived a trash compactor, a lengthy carbonite freezing, countless shots from Stormtrooper blasters, a 12-second Kessel Run in the Millennium Falcon and, quite likely, a horrible infestation of Ewok fleas, he was not able to make it through an emotional moment with his grown son. Kylo Ren, played by Adam Driver, light-saber-ka-bobed Solo in what was effectively an advertisement for anger-management therapy.
Bottom line: Harrison Ford will live forever
So what can we conclude on this day of celebrating Harrison Ford and the 17,143 (estimated) movies he has contributed to American popular culture? It’s simple: He is 80. That’s young for someone who, based on all available evidence, is immortal.
Happy Birthday, Mr. Ford. May the Force be with you, and may you seriously consider having someone else do the flying.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook: facebook.com/RexIsAJerk
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