Emotional intimacy generally refers to the close emotional connection between partners in a relationship. This type of intimacy can occur in all types of relationships but is often particularly important for romantic ones. You may improve emotional intimacy with your partner by putting down your phone, making yourself emotionally available, spending time with your partner, and finding a healthy balance between yourself and your relationship. You might also seek out a couples therapist online or in-person to help you and your significant other improve your emotional intimacy.
What is emotional intimacy?
According to a 2013 study, emotional intimacy usually encompasses the close connection experienced by partners in a romantic relationship. Both partners are likely to feel loved and safe, can trust each other completely, and feel they may communicate freely.
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While it can be possible to form an emotionally intimate connection with other people outside of your romantic relationship, such as family, colleagues, and close friends, this article generally focuses on the link between romantic partners.
“Forming intimate relationships is a fundamental human motive. Emotions play a critical role in intimate relationships – they are central to the development and maintenance of these bonds, and these very bonds can influence both individual and interpersonal emotional dynamics across time.”—Emotional Dynamics in Intimate Relationships
Recognizing emotional intimacy
Benefits of emotional intimacy
Establishing and maintaining emotional intimacy in your relationship can bring many benefits to you and your partner, potentially including the following:
- As a couple, you may develop a growing sense of physical and emotional safety as you trust each other to help through the most vulnerable moments.
- You may gain confidence in your ability to overcome relationship challenges together. Conflict is often inevitable in a relationship, but if you and your partner have a high level of emotional intimacy, you will likely understand each other well enough to work through problems.
- Your relationship can serve as a shield from the harmful effects of loneliness.
- Realistic expectations may develop over time, leading to fewer disappointments.
- It can be easier to experience spontaneous joy when partaking in emotional intimacy with your partner.
- Beyond the romantic aspect of your relationship, you may be friends with your partner.
- You likely look forward to speaking to each other and discussing the details of your time apart. When something important happens, your partner is usually the first person you want to tell.
- You may entrust your partner with your secrets, and you may keep theirs.
- You may regularly show non-intimate love gestures, which can further strengthen your connection.
- It may be easier to know when something is wrong or bothering your partner.
- As a couple, you may inspire each other to new heights and offer support.
Identifying a lack of emotional intimacy
Many couples don’t notice the decline in emotional intimacy until the problem becomes significant. It can be easy to fall into a routine and take your partner’s presence and affection for granted, potentially allowing your efforts at emotional intimacy to fall behind other commitments. Successful relationships usually take continual effort, and people often grow apart when they don’t actively work to maintain their connection.
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You may have an emotional intimacy issue in your relationship if you frequently feel lonely and lack support, or if you believe that your partner doesn’t care how you feel. If you find that you and your partner aren’t discussing important events, showing physical affection, or experiencing more conflict, consider sitting down and discussing your relationship openly and working together to build emotional intimacy.
Types of emotional intimacy relationships
It can be possible to experience all of the following emotionally intimate relationships with your romantic partner. However, you may also develop emotional intimacy with other people in one area. For example, you might build a deep intellectual connection with a colleague by bonding over common interests.
- Emotional Intimacy—Emotional connections usually involve talking about deep, personal thoughts and feelings, which can lead to an intricately connected bond.
- Sexual Intimacy—This type of intimacy can usually be found in relationships that involve sexual activity and sensual and emotional stimulation.
- Experiential Intimacy—Experiential relationships are typically formed with others who have common interests and experiences with you.
- Intellectual Intimacy—Relationships based on deep intellectual conversations and the imparting of ideas often have intellectual intimacy.
- Spiritual Intimacy—Spiritual connections can form with those who have the same beliefs regarding a higher power.
Why some people fear emotional intimacy
People may fear or avoid emotional intimacy for many reasons. Previous adverse experiences in relationships can frequently lead to a person fearing rejection and holding themselves back so they won’t be hurt. Some worry that the relationship will consume them, and they may fear losing their individual identity as the connection strengthens. Others may be afraid they will be abandoned by their partner and avoid giving the relationship the power to hurt them to prevent that potential pain. Mental health conditions, such as avoidant personality disorder, anxiety disorders, and attachment issues, can also lead to a fear of emotional intimacy.
How to improve emotional intimacy with your partner
While the methods likely to be most effective in your relationship can be as individual as the people involved, researchers suggest several ways to create a healthy emotional connection with your partner. If you feel like you’re not on the same wavelength as your partner anymore, you might try some of these methods to improve your emotional intimacy.
Put down your phone
You’re not likely to build emotional intimacy with your partner through your phone. Instead, you might choose to turn off the electronics and focus on your face-to-face connection. Technology can interfere with relations between a couple if one partner feels the other is paying more attention to their phone, a 2016 study found.
“Want to enhance your family life and relationships? Put down your phone! You will be surprised how enriching it can be.”—Dr. Steve Maraboli
Make yourself emotionally available
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It can be challenging to expose yourself to potential pain or ridicule by making yourself emotionally available—and therefore vulnerable—in a relationship, particularly after being hurt by someone else. True emotional intimacy typically flows in both directions and when one partner feels they are doing all the emotional work, problems can arise in the relationship.
Prioritize time with your partner
It can be beneficial to put spending time with your partner at the top of your priority list and follow through with doing it. You might plan a regular date night and rotate picking locations. For example, you could pick up pizza and your partner’s favorite movie for a romantic night in, or plan a trip together. You may have countless ways to spend time together, and talking about experiences can bring you closer.
Find a healthy balance between yourself and your role in the couple
As important as it can be to devote yourself to your relationship, it can also be crucial to maintain your individuality. Many successful long-term couplings involve partners who have a healthy balance between their own interests, support network, and social circle in addition to what they discuss with their significant other, according to a 2016 study.
More tips to build emotional intimacy
- Make a list of fun activities you both enjoy and take time to cross them off together.
- Get involved in structured organizations focused on couples.
- Speak to a couples counselor to grow with professional guidance.
Reach out for guidance and support
If you’re struggling to form or maintain an emotional connection with your partner, consider reaching out to a licensed therapist for support and guidance to build communication skills and learn to connect emotionally.
How therapy can help you build intimacy with your partner
Whether you are interested in couples therapy to work through issues you and your partner are experiencing or to seek treatment to overcome emotional challenges, assistance is available. Speaking to a licensed therapist online through a virtual provider can offer a convenient method to gain the aid of a professional as you strengthen the emotional intimacy between yourself and your partner.
Couples therapy can help you and your partner identify the issues causing conflict and find healthy ways to communicate your needs and emotions. Studies show that online couples therapy tends to be equally as effective as face-to-face therapy, and it often comes at lower costs with greater availability.
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