A Letter To The Narcissist Who Destroyed Me

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There are ten things I’d like to put in a letter to the narcissist who destroyed me. These are things I never thought I would be able to say when our relationship first ended.

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Once upon a time, I thought the emotional hell of breaking up and going no-contact with a narcissist would scald me alive. Then the intensity faded to a slow burn and now the entire relationship feels almost like a fever dream.

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Was that actually me back there?

Yes… and no.

Oh, if he could see me now.

Too bad for him — he never will.

6. You Didn’t Win

I’ve had to claw my way back from hell, but I did it.

Yeah, you hurt me a lot. It felt like swallowing broken glass, but I was here on this earth long before you came along and I’m still standing strong and thriving without you.

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I’ve not absorbed your unkind words about me to try to break me down.

I don’t have a general distrust of other people.

I haven’t sworn off relationships.

I don’t sit in my bedroom crying all day.

I haven’t given up my core sense of optimism and hope.

I’m sorry, but you just don’t have that kind of power.

7. I Was Too Strong For You

You were never going to be able to keep me. But what this really means is that I’m not pliable and easy to control.

Yes, it’s true-I was for a time after you got close enough to me to learn which buttons to press. Bravo! Nice work.

But you made a mistake — you wanted too much control. You wanted to control everything about me.

The same tools you use to control other women in your sphere-money, gender role shame, and religious doctrine-don’t work on me.

So instead you resorted to extreme cruelty and verbal and emotional abuse to try to beat me down so I wouldn’t have any self-worth.

What you never realized is that you were never going to take over and you were only breaking the spell you held over me every time you tried to break me down.

You used to brag to everyone about how I was a “fighter,” because I’d been through so much, but relationships are all about domination to you and you started to figure out that survivors eventually rise up.

So if I wouldn’t fall in line, I will wear that as a badge of honor because I know exactly what that means.

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8. I Feel Sorry For You

I have thought about what it must be like to be you, to have my mood so dependent on what other people think of me and to have to constantly seek out the most shallow of interactions or else I feel completely nonexistent.

You can’t get by without other people and yet you despise other people for needing them so much.

For some of us, our own solitude is a place of peace. For you, it’s a prison.

You’re constantly on the lookout for imagined disrespect, and yet you drive people away and cause your own suffering by raining down chaos and misery on everyone around you.

You desperately crave love, but feel contempt toward anyone who shows you any because anyone who actually loves you is, in your eyes, foolish.

It must be exhausting to run through all these mental gymnastics to avoid having to feel so empty, or to be so anxious all the time that people will look at you and see an imposter.

Did I nail it?

9. It’s Your Loss

If I ever come up in your thoughts or conversation, I’m sure I’m talked about as one of those disloyal exes in your past.

I know what disloyal means to you now, and what you conveniently leave out about yourself. As if somehow the dynamic was ever under my control and I wanted things to turn out this way- not that I’d expect you to understand that.

I was only valuable to you if I looked the other way while you did whatever you wanted, put myself in a box and ignored my own needs, and let you talk to and treat me however you wanted without speaking up.

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In other words- an object. No one can live like that- at least not happily and with good physical and mental health.

So what, exactly, did I lose?

You, on the other hand, threw away love.

It’s not even a fair trade. I get my life back and you destroyed a perfectly good relationship and lost someone who loved and cared about you.

10. The Next Guy I Fall In Love With Will Be Glad I Was With You First

I once thought you were the love of my life.

Now I know you weren’t, because the love of my life would never have treated me the way you did. The “love of your life” can’t be a one-sided relationship. That doesn’t even make sense.

And yet, I learned a lot about love in my relationship with you.

I also learned a lot of things about myself emotionally and physically while in a relationship and I gained knowledge about becoming a better partner.

Most of all, now I know I’m capable of giving someone that much love.

So I guess I have to thank you for showing me what was possible. My next boyfriend is going to benefit from that and I’ll be a better woman for that man, so he thanks you too.

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