From a male reader:

One of the problems I’ve had in my past serious relationships is my inability to lead. I’m talking about true leading, not dominating or controlling.

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I believe that many of us who want to do the right thing by our partners are too passive. We’ve never had good role models for how to lead a woman. And as a result, our partners are unhappy with us. How should men lead in a relationship?

What an honest and seldom-asked question!

First, to lead means, “To guide in a way, especially by going in advance,” according to Webster’s.

A man can also guide from behind, though. A man’s hand on the small of my back gives me direction. I can find the way to our seats by myself, but I like that I don’t have to. And the touch seems to say he’s glad we are together.

There is an understanding that we want to move together and in the same direction. If a man is to lead a woman in a relationship, the same understanding is required – only it must cover much more than finding the right seats. Many problems stem from a lack of communication, or from two people wanting to take different paths or totally different directions.

Next, there’s an assumption here that women want to be led! Do they?

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I think the answer is generally . . . yes . . . and that even women who would answer no prefer a partner who is capable of leading them (in at least some areas). Women want to be accepted and cherished by somebody they trust and respect, ideally somebody they trust and respect enough to follow, to stand with, to support.

The majority of women are turned off by men who are domineering, yet are seldom attracted to men who are ineffectual and easily dominated. Women are most attracted to men who are self-assured and capable.

What sometimes confuses men is that women are also attracted to tender, loving men. Women want men to put their emotions out there, to invest their emotions as well as their muscle and money.

“Women respect men for their strength and love them for their vulnerability,” said Merle Shain, one of my favorite authors on relationships.

By nature, men want to lead. Often, they lack role models for doing it in intimate relationships, though, where vulnerability and strength are equally prized.

Men who truly lead in relationships – and can serve as role models – feel good about themselves. They have the self-assurance that comes from doing what they want to do, the self-assurance that women are attracted to. They are happy, and they can lead from the heart.

They can, according to “Managing from the Heart” by Bracey, Rosenblum, Sanford and Trueblood:

H – Hear and understand a partner

E – Even disagree, without making a partner wrong

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A – Acknowledge the greatness within a partner

R – Remember to look for a partner’s loving intentions

T – Tell a partner the truth with compassion

Here we have a picture of how men can lead from the heart in a relationship. And maybe being a loving leader is not so different from being a loving follower!

Whether you’re dancing together for one song or for a lifetime, it seems one partner leads and one follows. Both roles are vital. It is every bit as reassuring to know that somebody capable is following you as it is to know that somebody capable is leading you!

And you don’t always have to play the same role. When you have really played one well, you are apt to play the other one well.

Passivity doesn’t lend much to either role! Self-assurance does. With that in place, you’re not a bully or a pushover. You can lead (or follow) with strength and tenderness.

You can be respected and loved by a happy partner.

Jan Soroka is a syndicated columnist, author, speaker and coach based in Ormond by the Sea. Please e-mail her at [email protected], or visit her website at www.NakedRelationships.com.

Source: https://t-tees.com
Category: WHO