Why Did Bart Bass Fake His Death - T-Tees - Your Answers Await, Life's Questions Unraveled

“I guess that means it’s all over now”

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– Blair Waldorf New York, I Love You, XOXO Gossip Girl Series Finale, Season 6, Episode 10

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Indeed it is. It’s over. Gossip Girl was at times brilliant and at times so bad I wondered, out loud, why I kept watching this crapfest. Well, I knew why. For one, I’ve learned to love these witty (mostly Chuck and Blair), stupid (mostly Nate and Serena), crazy (ALL of them, but most especially Georgina) kids. For another, I watched so that I could participate and relate to the NYMag.com recaps and recaps of the recaps (ROTR), where the awesome Chris and Jess and the equally hilarious fans call out the show on what’s realistic and brilliant and what’s faker and more ridiculous than Serena getting into Brown (I swear, the CW owes Chris and Jess something, since the recaps and the ROTR were the ONLY reasons A LOT of us still put up with GG).

And while I will admit that some of the more ridiculous plot points were at least entertaining (i.e. anything involving Georgina Sparks), a lot of them were just downright throw-my-remote-at-the-TV ridiculous and pointless. Yes, I know, part of watching a TV show is suspending disbelief, but a line has to be drawn at some point. And while I’m unclear to where exactly where that line is when it comes to Gossip Girl, I do know that the writers have crossed that line many, many times.

And so here’s my rundown of the most bewildering, most senseless Gossip Girl plot lines. And it’s no coincidence that a lot of them come from seasons 4 through 6.

10 – The high class brothels – There were two in the entire six seasons of GG and, for the life of me, I still can’t figure out what was the point of them both. Both of them had to do with Bart. Bart was a member of one before the first time he died, and he was apparently hiding in one while being fake dead. And I can’t believe I actually wrote that sentence down.

9 – This thing called college – I get Serena not going to college. But Blair? And Dan? The writers tried it for two seasons, and actually made a huge deal out of Blair transferring from NYU to Columbia. Then in season 5, I don’t think anyone ever really mentioned school again. Would’ve it been to hard to have Blair mention at least once that she had a paper due, Nate to say that he skipped class (because, come on, it is Nate) or have Dan be insufferable about some European literature class he was taking? I know that it would’ve been difficult trying to fit in an actual education into the social calendars of these UES-ers, but Blair, at least, had big Anna Wintour/Indra Nooyi aspirations. I think even Blair knew that she needed more than headbands of power and minions to make those dreams come true.

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8 – Dair – Now hold on, Dair fans, before you get all riled up and accuse me of being a Chair fantard. I actually liked the initial build up to Dair, where they started hanging out a lot together and it was revealed that these two actually shared a lot of interests: basically snooty art, movies and literature, things that neither of their main flames really showed an interest in. Chuck, maybe. But Serena, definitely not. And Dan and Blair’s budding closeness was carefully handled by the writers over a few episodes, a rarity in the GG world, wherein plots are started and dropped faster than you can say “Colin” (“Colin, who?” you say? I rest my case.). But then, all that careful buildup was for naught. Just when the GG writers seemed to have handled something well, they go ahead and mess it up. When Blair and Dan finally do get into a relationship, it seems forced, on Blair’s side, especially, and the closeness that they shared was missing. It surely doesn’t help things when Dan lets himself get manipulated by Serena into cheating on Blair. In season 6, he attempts to win Blair back and then, a few episodes after, declares his undying love for Serena. So what the heck was the point of Dair, then?

7 – Blair’s dowry – Since when was Gossip Girl set in the 16th century? And Blair has TWO lawyer dads, and we were led to believe that Cyrus, at least, was a pretty powerful one. Besides, this is Blair we’re talking about, I bet she has her minions under confidentiality agreements tighter than Katie Holmes’ divorce settlement. Her prenup, even if it was with a prince, would have been ironclad. It sure as hell would not have included a clause that would bankrupt her family in case of an early divorce/annulment.

6 – Blair’s pregnancy – Yep, the writers used a fetus as a plot device for the Louis vs Chuck vs Dan dilemma for Blair. They then proceeded to kill off the said fetus and no one, not even Blair, really mourned its loss, heck, no one even mentions it past the episode after C&B’s Princess Diana-esque (that was all sorts of wrong, too, by the way) accident. Yeah, I think it’s safe to say that that was a low point for Gossip Girl and its writers.

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5 – Pretty much everything Blair did after season 4 – And I’m just not talking about her very out-of-character wedding dress and hair. I’m talking about, well, Dair for one thing. And then there was scheme after scheme blowing up on her face. The Blair of S5 and S6 was not the same girl who got rid of Georgina Sparks by having Vanya the doorman pretend to be a prince from Belarus. No, in season 6, Blair was outsmarted by teenaged Sage, of all people, and was practically begging for Nelly Yuki’s good opinion. It was like Blair was lobotomized. Or switched bodies with Serena. Heck, I would’ve believed that explanation for Blair’s sometimes-pathetic behavior. I’ve believed worse from the GG writers.

4 – How Bart Bass died – First of all, the music. I felt like I was watching those old live-action Batman shows. What the hell? And really, he falls off a roof? And Chuck and Blair just watched him dangle there? Even though Chuck hated Bart, I’m sure the guilt of not even attempting to save his own father from a gruesome death cost him a fortune in therapy. Or, this being Chuck Bass, in scotch. Overall, it just feels lazy on the writers’ part to have Bart defeated by… *drum roll please*… gravity. That was all it was going to take, after all the build up and ridiculousness of…

3 – Embargoed oil, horses, microfilm, paintings, drownings, plane crashes and whaaaaa?!? – Apparently Bart Bass faked his death because he was about to get caught for illegally buying oil from the Sudan and covering it up with purchases of the Sheik’s horses. He then inexplicably kept proof of his illegal transactions. In microfilm. Behind a painting. Like in the movie Traffic. WHAT?!? Then down the road, we find out that Bart somehow managed to have Bruce Caplan (whoever he is) drowned after lending him a Bass yacht but Sage somehow got her underaged hands on this guy’s phone. Bart also tried to have Chuck killed by crashing his private plane, which Chuck inexplicably managed to escape (via parachute? Magic Carpet? We will never know). What the heck, writers? And not only did we have to sit through that crap, in hindsight, it turns out that all that was useless because Bart. Falls. Off. A. Roof. Uggggggh. Seriously.

2 – Scott, the forgotten Rhodes-Humphrey child – The fans haven’t forgotten about Scott, one-time admirer of Vanessa’s, but apparently, his parents, Rufus and Lily, and gaggle of half-siblings (Serena, Eric, Dan, Jenny and Chuck, too, since Lily adopted him) seemed to have forgotten he existed. No, Stephanie Savage, we didn’t need to actually see him in the show, but how hard would’ve been to have his BIOLOGICAL parents say his name at least once a season to explain his absence in family events and holidays? Couldn’t Lily have said something like, “Oh, Scott would’ve loved to be here for Thanksgiving but he was too busy untangling Vanessa’s extensions for her.” Was that too much to ask?

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1 – The whole thing about Chuck’s mother – WHO THE HELL IS CHUCK’S MOTHER? You can’t ask a question, draw out the plot across two seasons (3 and 6), dangle the possibility that Jack Bass was Chuck’s father, or that, uggggh, Diana Payne was his mother (although Nate ending up as Chuck’s stepdad would’ve been hilarious) and not answer the damn question. WHO THE HELL IS CHUCK’S MOTHER? WHO? WHO? *shakes fist to the air*

There are other things that didn’t make it to this list such as William VDW giving Lily fake cancer, the Thorpes and Fleur Eva, to name a few. But despite all the ridiculous, out of character, unrealistic (even for the CW) scenarios and missed opportunities, loyal fans and NYMag commenters still watched and looked forward to the episodes, so the people behind Gossip Girl must have done something right.

They after all got Mayor Bloomberg to do a cameo (and he thought GG was Dorota!), gave Ivy the title “The Queen of the Swamp People”, had Jack and Georgina end up in a match made in scheming heaven (or hell, depending on which side of the scheme your on) and, most importantly made THIS happen:

Plus, they’ve managed to ensure that we’ll all watch the Gossip Girl reruns/buy the DVD boxed sets to analyze Dan’s every move now that we know he was Gossip Girl.

So the writers and Josh Schwartz and Stephanie Savage were not all that bad, I must admit.

But still.

WHO THE HELL IS CHUCK’S MOTHER? WHO? WHO? *shakes fist to the air*

What do you think was the most ridiculous plot the Gossip Girl writers put together? Did I miss anything big? I would love to know your thoughts on that and the finale, too! Let me know in the comments!

Photo is from here but is obviously from The CW.

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Category: WHY