Young People Ask . . .
Why Did Dad Leave Us?
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“I never really understood why my father left. All I knew was what my mother told me.”—James.a
WHEN a father picks up and leaves home, he often leaves behind a storm of pain and bitterness. “I was really upset when my mom and dad broke up,” says 14-year-old James, quoted above. And when a father leaves without a word of explanation and then fails to keep in touch, his children may wrestle with feelings of guilt, rejection, and resentment for years to come.b
If your own father has left, you may be painfully aware of the reason why. “My Dad left for another woman,” says a youth named Michael. “I saw him with her once, and it made me mad. I felt that Dad had betrayed us.” However, in some cases the departure may come as a relief. Melissa, whose dad is an alcoholic, says: “If he had stayed home, it would have been harder on us.”
In many cases, though, children have no idea why their father departed, and this can make his absence seem all the more painful. True, you might have known that your folks had problems, but you may never have dreamed that they would split up. Recalls Robert: “When Dad left, I really didn’t understand everything that was going on. All I knew was that things were bad because my parents were fighting all the time.”
Why do some fathers leave home? If your own dad has left, should you take it as a personal rejection? And why might your parents be reluctant to tell you much about it? Don’t they owe you an explanation?
Why They Are Silent
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The reasons behind a father’s departure are never pleasant. Oftentimes, the reason is adultery—misconduct that has usually been well hidden from the family. When a wife discovers such wrongdoing, she may decide to divorce her husband. She may even ask him to leave quietly before the divorce papers are filed. The children may be totally unaware of why this is happening.
Try to understand, though, why your mom might be reluctant to reveal specifically what has taken place. For one thing, she may feel that revealing any misconduct on your dad’s part would only stir up misery. Realize, too, how hurtful it must be for a woman to discover that her husband has been unfaithful. (Malachi 2:13, 14) So if adultery is behind your parents’ breakup, don’t be surprised if your mother finds the matter too painful to discuss.
What about your father? Understandably, if he has been unfaithful to your mother, he is not likely to talk to you about it. Some men feel so guilty about their misconduct that they cannot bear even to face their children! Despite their shameful behavior, though, many fathers continue to love their children and may try to reestablish contact with them.
In some cases the father leaves because of misconduct on the wife’s part, and he makes every effort to maintain closeness with his children. In other cases, though, a breakup is, not the result of adultery at all, but the climax of years of marital bickering.c (Proverbs 18:24) Because this often takes place behind closed doors, you may have no idea what the fighting was about.
The Bible says at Proverbs 25:9: “Plead your own cause with your fellowman, and do not reveal the confidential talk of another.” Sometimes marital disputes involve private, intimate matters. Believe it or not, you are probably better off not hearing about such things. Besides, revealing “confidential talk” often makes a bad situation worse. You may feel inclined to take sides—only widening the rift in your family. So in the long run, you may be better off if your parents keep the details of their disputes to themselves.
Fight Resentment by Gaining Insight
Still, it’s hard not to feel angry and resentful when your father has left home and you can’t answer the question, Why? However, at Proverbs 19:11, the Bible observes: “The insight of a man certainly slows down [not necessarily eliminates] his anger.” And you do not need to know all the details to have insight.
For example, the Bible helps us to see that our parents are imperfect. It says: “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” (Romans 3:23) Accepting this painful truth can help you to put your parents’ mistakes in perspective. If, for example, your father has dishonored his marriage vows, that is a serious shortcoming—one for which he is accountable before God. (Hebrews 13:4) But it does not necessarily mean that he has rejected you or that he does not love you.
All married couples suffer “tribulation in their flesh.” (1 Corinthians 7:28) And while there is no excuse for their doing so, some men and women give in to wrongdoing under the pressures of life in this troubled world. Robert recalls: “Dad wanted the best for us. He moved the family to an area where he thought he could make a better living so that we could have a nice house and the family would be happy.” But his father’s well-meaning attempts to carve out a better life for his family soon went awry. Robert explains: “Dad slowed down in going to Christian meetings. Then he lost his job. After a while he became abusive toward my mother and my sister.” Soon things deteriorated to the point that his father and mother were divorced.
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Robert could have become consumed with bitterness because of his father’s failures. But having insight into his father’s situation has tempered his anger. Although the breakup of his parents’ marriage was tragic, it has taught Robert something important. Robert says: “When I start a family, spiritual things must come first.”
Michael, mentioned earlier, has also had to fight bitter feelings. “I wanted to hurt my dad for what he did to us,” he admits. But he maintained a relationship with his father. As time passed, Michael was even able to let go of his anger and move on with his life.
You too may want to try to maintain as normal a relationship with your father as the situation permits. True, he may have hurt you and your mom. But likely you do not have all the facts. And even if you know he is guilty of wrongdoing, he is still your father. You have an obligation to show him at least a measure of respect. (Ephesians 6:1-3) Avoid “anger and wrath and screaming and abusive speech” when dealing with him. (Ephesians 4:31) If possible, stay neutral regarding your parents’ private marital disputes. By reassuring both of your parents that you love them, you may be able to enjoy good relations with both of them.
It’s Not Your Fault
Having your father leave home is probably one of the most painful things you will ever experience. But even if you never find out all the reasons why he left, there is no need to feel that it was your fault. True, it may feel like a personal rejection. But marriages rarely break up because of the children. Your parents took a vow before God to stay together. It is their responsibility—not yours—to live up to it.—Ecclesiastes 5:4-6.
Still, if you feel confused, guilty, or responsible, why not try telling your parents? They just might open up and give you some needed reassurance. James, quoted at the outset, admits: “I used to think that I was to blame, until my mother and my father sat me down and talked with me.” Young Nancy likewise felt guilty when her father and mother broke up. After several conversations with her mom, Nancy was able to conclude: “Kids should not blame themselves for what their parents do.” Yes, letting your parents ‘carry their own load’ of responsibility can prevent you from feeling overloaded emotionally. (Galatians 6:5) But how can you cope now that you live in a fatherless home? A future article in this series will provide some answers.
[Footnotes]
[Picture on page 15]
Do not blame yourself for your parents’ marital problems
Source: https://t-tees.com
Category: WHY
