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First up, I’ve only told two of my friends about this. I keep getting visited by the urge to kill people. I don’t have to get angry to want to kill someone, even when I’m happy or just content, I suddenly feel like killing someone, but being angry intensifies the urge, that’s for sure. I have gone so far as planning where and how, but not who or when. Whenever I get the urge, I just let myself think deeply about it. the thing is, I think I actually will end up doing it. I also feel very little to no empathy for humans, whether they’re my friends or family. I fake it, but never actually feel sorry for them, nor can I put myself in their shoes. I hold the lives of animals (birds especially)in higher regard than the life of a human, though sometimes I get mad at one of my cats for no reason and feel like hurting it. But I always hold myself back, because I don’t want to hurt them. I tend to lock them outside until I’ve calmed down. I’m not like that when thinking about humans. If given the opportunity, I wouldn’t hold myself back from hurting or killing another human, unless they were one of my friends, family, or a random child or an old person. I also have absolutely no need nor want for a relationship, or sex. I intend to live by myself, and want a job with minimal-no human contact required, (I know that’s near impossible). One of the key reasons I don’t act on these urges is because I am quite paranoid about everything, and not just the consequences of killing; any sound in the house that I deem a little different has me tensed up and ready to dive for my knife (I have several craft knives and scalpels on my bedside table, and a bayonet on my bookcase). I sometimes want someone to break into the house just so I have an excuse to kill them. I don’t know if any of this is normal, I don’t really think it is…Your opinions?
Usually when the urge to kill becomes strong, I have a dream about some guy (whom I have never seen before) teaching me how to torture or cut people up in my garage, and I always wake up feeling extremely happy and free of the urge until a few hours later when they start trickling back.
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