It’s the happiest time of the year – unless you’re spending it with a narcissist.
Narcissists are nightmares most of the time, and holidays are no exception. Experts say getting through Christmas, Hanukkah, New Year’s, birthdays and other special occasions with them can be especially taxing.
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That’s because narcissists are never satisfied unless they’re the center of attention. When they feel like they’re not, they’ll cause all hell to break loose, ruining even the most special of holidays for pretty much everyone around them.
“Holidays can be really tough with a narcissistic person because so much of what makes the holiday so difficult is expectations,” says Ramani Durvasula, a psychologist and author of the book “It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People,” coming Feb. 20. “We have childhood visions of it. We have visions that are sold to us. There’s things we hope for. And, invariably, the narcissistic person, just like they overpower and dominate everything else, they’re going to want to overpower and dominate this and do it the way they want.”
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What are narcissists like during holidays?
Chelsey Cole, a psychotherapist and author of “If Only I’d Known: How to Outsmart Narcissists, Set Guilt-Free Boundaries, and Create Unshakeable Self-Worth,” says narcissists consistently ruin holidays, as they do any event that’s not exclusively about them.
They do this in various ways, she says, including by causing unnecessary drama or by acting sullen.
Durvasula says dealing with a narcissist during the holidays is made especially difficult by the upheaval in the routine that typically comes with the season. With time off from work and school, many people don’t have their usual touchstones during the holidays where they could go to get relief from a narcissistic relative.
“When you throw the dashed expectations in there, it can feel really sad,” Durvasula adds. “It can also feel disappointing when you feel like you’ve tried to make something really special, and then the narcissistic person minimizes it or trivializes it or doesn’t notice it.”
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A narcissist’s lack of empathy can also feel especially hurtful during the holiday season, which can be a difficult time for many people, such as those mourning loved ones.
This is often lost on narcissists, who only care about themselves.
“They don’t think about how you might be experiencing the holidays,” Cole says. “They only see it as an opportunity to gain supply in the form of gaining people’s attention, sympathy, help or just generally controlling how things go.”
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What are narcissists like on birthdays?
Narcissists aren’t much better on birthdays, even if it’s their own celebration.
That’s because narcissists crave attention and validation but never feel like it’s enough. As a result, you really can’t win on a narcissist’s birthday, since no present or party will ever leave them feeling satisfied.
“Narcissistic people more often than not are very disappointed on their birthdays,” Durvasula says. “I don’t know what they’re expecting − maybe a parade down Fifth Avenue, I have no idea. But whatever is done for them sort of never seems like enough.”
Their perpetual dissatisfaction often leads narcissists to lash out in cruel ways on their birthdays, says Stephanie Sarkis, a psychotherapist and author of “Healing from Toxic Relationships: 10 Essential Steps to Recover from Gaslighting, Narcissism, and Emotional Abuse.”
“They feel that people are not giving them enough attention,” she says. “They may feel that their birthday is not being respected by other people. They may get angry they didn’t get the gifts they wanted, so it can be pretty chaos-inducing.”
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Narcissists will also hijack other people’s birthdays to make it about themselves. For instance, a narcissist may throw lavish celebrations on their child’s birthday, but only so it can bring attention and validation to themselves.
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How to cope with a narcissist during the holidays
If you have to spend a holiday or birthday with a narcissist, experts offer the following tips:
◾ Accept they’ll probably hate your gift: “Narcissistic people really do live in a fantasy that people can read their minds,” Durvasula says. “It’s a fussiness, but it’s really sort of this spoiled child within that can never be soothed.”
◾ Limit the time you spend with them: “All you have to do is just say, ‘Hey, I can only stay for this amount of time,’ ” Sarkis says. “If they get upset with that, that’s OK because that’s your boundary that you’re setting.”
◾ Find the people you enjoy being around: “Maybe you have a narcissistic father, but you really love being around your nieces or nephews,” Cole says. “Try to find time with those specific people or loved ones that are most important to you.”
◾ Set realistic expectations: “We have this idea in our minds of what we think the holidays should look like,” Cole says. “You have to have a lot of realistic expectations and radical acceptance that if you have a narcissistic family member, the holidays are not going to go perfectly.”
◾ Make time for you: “Plan something for you on that day,” Cole says. “Quietly make a plan to have lunch with a friend or get a massage. Go for a walk in the park, visit your favorite store, or do something that makes you happy and gets you out of the narcissist’s orbit.”
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