Why do narcissists want to hurt you? Many victims of narcissistic abuse often wonder this. I went in search of an answer to that question and, during my exploration, found both recognition and new insights. In this article, I share them.
“Hurt people hurt people”
There is a saying that goes “Hurt people hurt people”.
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Certainly, being hurt is not an excuse to hurt other people. Not everyone who is hurt will inflict pain on others. However, some individuals, emotionally hindered due to trauma, (unconsciously) hurt others.
Reflecting on my own experience, I recall the period when my parents were divorcing, detailed in the article ‘Narcissistic Mother’ under the heading ‘The Divorce‘. My father, with war trauma, became an easy target for my narcissistic mother. After about 20 years, she discarded him and tried to turn my sister and me against him.
For me, it had the opposite effect. Out of pity, I sacrificed myself for my father, now realizing that this self-sacrifice stemmed from codependency. Every evening, I faced my mother’s narcissistic anger. However, my father did not respect me either, sharing his grief and frustrations, often directed at me. It was a classic case of ‘Hurt people hurt people.’
I am inherently afraid of hurting others, so I accepted everything from him. However, there is a limit, and when crossed, I confronted everything. Yes, hurt people hurt people.
Why do narcissists want to hurt you?
Neale Donald Walsch, an American writer, expressed, “You’re hurt so much that you have to hurt me too.”
A person with narcissistic personality disorder has rejected their true self, creating a false self. The true self occasionally surfaces with feelings like “I’m not good,” “I don’t belong,” “People don’t accept me,” “No one can be trusted,” and “Others will hurt me if I don’t hurt them.”
Narcissists, like victims of narcissistic abuse, exist in a perpetual survival mode. The true self is too damaged to develop a healthy identity, and the false self must be continually affirmed. When someone questions this false self, narcissistic anger arises, leading to punishment in the form of emotional or, in extreme cases, physical harm.
Narcissists believe they have a right to confirmation of their false selves, oblivious to any flaws within themselves. You become an extension of their ego, a tool for their self-medication, also known as narcissistic supply.
In the end, no one can fulfill these irrational demands. Yet, a narcissist lacks any understanding of this reality. Instead, they lay responsibility on you for their psychological wounds, punishing you without a hint of conscience.
What is narcissistic supply?
The term ‘narcissistic supply’ was coined by Austrian psychoanalyst Otto Fenichel, describing a person’s pathological urge for attention and admiration. Narcissists often select victims based on their potential to provide narcissistic supply.
Why does the narcissist want to hurt you?
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An intriguing aspect is that narcissists often choose their victims based on the perception that the individual is a suitable source of narcissistic supply for them.
Also read the article: ‘Why do I attract narcissists?‘
I, personally, was not selected this way; it was my destiny to be born into the wrong family. However, this selection process is particularly relevant in narcissistic partners, and female narcissists, like my mother, may have children to serve as a constant source of narcissistic supply.
Why do narcissists hurt the ones they love?
When unable to meet unreasonable demands, the narcissist starts to hate you, blaming you for not being the expected source of narcissistic supply. Consequently, they devalue you and seek supply elsewhere, often involving infidelity. The sudden change in a narcissistic partner can leave the victim bewildered, wondering where the person they fell in love with has gone.
During my parents’ divorce, my dad would often express his bewilderment about Mom’s apparent change. He would despairingly ask, ‘Did I cause that?’ It took more than thirty years before I could assure him that it wasn’t his fault…
The inconvenient truth is that the narcissist was never truly in love with you; rather, he or she was only interested in you as a source of narcissistic supply.
Projection
Narcissists tend to view the world as they see themselves, projecting their own fakeness onto others. This control is a defensive mechanism to prevent others from controlling them.
Why do narcissists like to hurt you?
Contrary to the common belief that narcissists take pleasure in causing pain, Melanie Tonia Evans, an Australian writer and narcissism expert, suggests that narcissists hurt to punish for not providing them with narcissistic supply. Their lack of empathy prevents them from understanding the pain of others, perpetuating a cycle of inflicting harm.
Projection and No Empathy
Due to their lack of empathy, narcissists cannot comprehend others’ pain, leading to their continuous cycle of hurting people.
A useful test to determine whether you are dealing with a narcissist or a psychopath involves the following method: When someone has seriously hurt you, you make yourself vulnerable by expressing your sadness and explicitly naming the source of your distress.
A typical response from a normal person in such a situation would involve flinching, expressing that it wasn’t intended, and offering apologies. However, a narcissist or psychopath tends to go the extra mile.
Allow me to share a personal example of this scenario. In early 2015, I attempted to discuss with my narcissistic mother the mental abuse from the past. I openly acknowledged it, describing it as one of the most traumatic experiences of my childhood.
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A caring parent would typically react with shock to such revelations. However, my mother responded scornfully, exclaiming, ‘Ah, a trauma! What kind of trauma am I supposed to have?!’
It’s worth noting that my mother’s covert narcissism likely stems from her own experiences, possibly a childhood trauma, as it appears her mother also had a narcissistic personality disorder.
Regrettably, instead of seeking help, she ended up causing harm to her own family.
Why do narcissists want to hurt you and do they realize?
In the original article, I believed narcissists were aware of their actions based on personal experiences. However, Melanie Tonia Evans argues that narcissists lack awareness, unable to understand feelings like sentiment, emotional pain, or regret. They perceive themselves as victims, believing they’ve been mistreated by others.
Why do narcissists want to hurt their own children?
An illustrative example of the aforementioned can be found in the following incident: On the day I decided to sever ties with my narcissistic mother, I composed a letter and delivered it to her personally.
This letter served as a desperate, final attempt to address the mental abuse I endured during my childhood. While quoting the entire letter may be excessive, I’ll highlight its concluding lines, which hold significance:
The recent hurtful comments were the final straw for me. You have no idea how deeply you’ve wounded me with them. The sentiments expressed in this letter have weighed on me for decades. There’s no turning back now; either you confront the reality or lose me too.
Years later, I learned that she had shown this letter to others as evidence of my perceived faults. This illustrates her own disturbed mindset, revealing an inability to empathize with my suffering and a lack of insight into her own behavior.
In her perception, she even believes that others see it exactly as she does. This, despite the fact that the letter contained revelations about her actions that a normal person would find deeply shameful. Yet, she casually allows others to read it…
What does the narcissist want to achieve by hurting?
Back to the question ‘Why do narcissists want to hurt you?’. We previously discussed what narcissists use to select their potential victims. On the fact that you can provide them with narcissistic supply. And if you don’t do that anymore, you will be punished.
Now, you understand that the narcissist never loved you as a person. Your well-being and needs didn’t matter. All the narcissist needs from you is to provide him or her with narcissistic supply.
Yet, you might have felt that you had (or have) a close relationship with the narcissist. This was all a facade! When the narcissist starts hurting you, it deeply shocks you.
But why do narcissists want to hurt you anyway? It is to elicit a response that feeds them again with narcissistic supply!
Do you have any questions, comments, or additions about the above? Share them in a comment. Knowledge is power!
Source: https://t-tees.com
Category: WHY
