(continued)…
(Shortform note: This “hot and cold” behavior is sometimes referred to as “intermittent reinforcement.” The term was coined by psychologist B. F. Skinner to describe a system in which rewards are delivered at irregular or random intervals as a means of maintaining control. If someone believes that they’ll eventually be rewarded for a certain behavior—such as, in the case of an abusive relationship, total submissiveness and capitulation to the abuser’s demands—they’ll continue to engage in that behavior, even if the effort they’re putting in far outweighs the actual reward.)
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How Abusers Think
Having defined what abuse looks like from the outside, Bancroft moves on to his main goal of examining the logic behind abusive thinking. Because abusive behavior is a choice, Bancroft calls it a problem of morality; abusers feel comfortable engaging in hurtful and immoral behavior for their own benefit.
The three main characteristics of abusers are their intentionality, their selfishness, and their feelings of self-justification. We’ll discuss each of these characteristics in detail.
Abusers Behave Intentionally
Abusive behavior can seem senseless or random to the victim, who is unable to predict the abuser’s moods or what might set him off from day to day. According to Bancroft, this is a tactic abusers employ deliberately. The more time a victim has to spend thinking about what the abuser might do, the more control he has over her life.
(Shortform note: The unpredictability of an abuser’s behavior may lead a victim to become hypervigilant, constantly on the lookout for subtle changes in the abuser’s mood so that she can try to appease him and avoid a violent outburst. Not only does this rarely work, but it also places the victim in a permanent and exhausting state of anxiety, a “survival mode” that sees any potential conflict as a threat. As a result, many victims become people-pleasers in their future relationships. Having been conditioned to suppress their own needs and to fear even minor disagreement, victims may struggle to honestly communicate what they feel to a non-abusive partner.)
However, on the abuser’s side, his behavior has a clear goal and logic behind it. This is not to say that all abusers are criminal masterminds who plan their emotional outbursts in advance, but when an abuser has an outburst, he does so knowing that it will get him what he wants: the victim’s capitulation. We can see this intentionality in three aspects of the abuser’s behavior:
He Never “Goes Too Far,” Based on His Definition of the Phrase
When Bancroft asked his clients why they didn’t do something worse when they were supposedly out of control—why, for example, an abusive husband didn’t kill his wife instead of merely beating her—the almost universal response was that they would never go that far. This demonstrates that even during periods when an abuser seems crazed, he is behaving only in ways that he deems acceptable or justified. What he considers acceptable varies from person to person, and even over time—some abusers do ultimately kill their partner—but whatever that line is, he will not cross it, no matter how enraged or intoxicated he is.
(Shortform note: That abusers are in control of their actions is further demonstrated by the fact that the most extreme acts of violence committed in an abusive relationship—up to and including murder—generally occur after the victim tries to leave. An abuser doesn’t kill his victim out of uncontrolled, irrational rage so much as in a last-ditch attempt to control and punish her.)
He’s Rarely Abusive in Front of Others
An abuser can turn off his abusive persona and turn on the charm when there’s a risk that someone might witness his abuse and bring consequences to bear. A number of victims recount that as soon as the police showed up, their abuser became calm and articulate, downplaying what happened or depicting her as hysterical. An abuser will also often wait until they’re behind closed doors to turn on a partner, even if what upset him occurred hours or weeks earlier. Many victims remain trapped in abusive relationships because their abuser is so good at switching between personas that no one believes such a likable man could be abusive.
Charm Without Feeling
This ability to quickly switch between personas is sometimes discussed in psychiatry as a trait of sociopathy or personality disorders. When a person lacks empathy or is unable to form strong emotional attachments to others, it’s easy for them to treat people with extreme charm or extreme cruelty—their behavior isn’t motivated by genuine feeling, but by a desire to “win” a social interaction and get what they want, and they feel little to no guilt for the emotional impact their behavior has on others.
While most abusers aren’t full sociopaths, they do tend to lack empathy for their victims. This absence of feeling similarly enables both the abuse and the abuser’s ability to manipulate others into seeing only what he wants them to see—a charming, trustworthy, and nonviolent man.
He Rarely Does Anything to Hurt or Inconvenience Himself
Abusers might smash or break items seemingly at random when in a rage, but as Bancroft points out, these are usually items belonging to the victim, not to him or shared by both of them. He will be violent or cause property damage in ways that hurt his victim, but he won’t inconvenience himself by, for example, damaging his own car, striking items that might bruise or cut his hands, or breaking things that he bought for himself.
(Shortform note: On the rare occasion that an abuser does hurt himself or his property, there may still be a self-serving and outwardly abusive motivation behind it. For example, an abuser who struggles with addiction may deliberately relapse or threaten suicide in order to convince the victim that she’d be endangering his life by leaving him or that he needs her in order to get better—even if he ultimately never does.)
Bancroft argues that the rationality behind abusive behavior becomes especially clear in abuser intervention programs or in counseling, where abusers feel comfortable discussing their behavior. According to Bancroft, very few of his clients struggled to come up with a reason for why they behaved abusively. On the contrary, they almost instantly and with no emotional turmoil clarified how a specific outburst allowed them to get revenge on a victim or to force her to give them something they wanted.
(Shortform note: Bancroft’s impression of his clients is reflected by the rare public confessions made by abusers, who were fully aware of the harm that they were doing but found ways to justify it to themselves or to repress their guilt.)
Abusers Are Self-Centered
Bancroft argues that because abusers are rational actors and fully in control of their behavior, their decision to be abusive demonstrates a deep selfishness and lack of empathy. An abuser is indifferent to or actively contemptuous of his partner’s happiness and safety, approaching their relationship not as a meeting of equals or a site of compromise, but rather as a power struggle that he intends to win. He believes that his feelings, opinions, and desires should always be put first and that his partner’s role is to satisfy him.
(Shortform note: An abuser’s selfishness motivates not just his bad behavior, but the “honeymoon period” which typically follows a violent outburst. After a particularly bad incident, the abuser will become loving, attentive, and apologetic, showering the victim with gifts or taking on responsibilities he normally leaves to her. He may promise to change, or attempt to gloss over the incident entirely. Rather than being motivated by actual remorse, these periods work to keep the victim “hooked” on their relationship; if she believes he’s trying to get better, she’s less likely to leave or involve the police.)
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This selfishness manifests in three types of controlling and self-serving behavior.
He’s Unwilling to Admit Wrongdoing or to Be Disagreed With
Arguments with an abuser generally only occur on his terms. He reserves the right to start or shut down any conversation at any time by walking away, making threats, or verbally and emotionally overwhelming his partner. Even in more relaxed conversations, abusers believe that they are always right and will become frustrated or angry at disagreement or their partner’s attempts to assert her own point of view, especially if this disagreement has an audience.
(Shortform note: All couples argue at times, but in an abusive relationship, disagreements are sudden, explosive, and one-sided. In psychologist Michael B. Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication, he writes that for an argument to be productive, you need to recognize your conversational partner’s humanity and try to empathize with their point of view rather than focusing on your feelings of anger or frustration. Because an abuser doesn’t view his victim as an equal, arguments are less a form of communication than an opportunity to dominate her.)
He Expects His Partner to Drop Everything to Please Him
When the abuser needs something, that need is a top priority, but he rarely thinks of the victim’s well-being in turn. If he’s upset, the victim is expected to coddle him and attempt to improve his mood, or at least to be a passive outlet for aggression. However, if she expresses needs—for emotional support, for sex, for him to participate more in chores, and so on—she’s accused of being suffocating, demanding, or selfish.
(Shortform note: An abuser will often “project,” or accuse his victim of the same harmful behaviors he himself engages in: being possessive or overly critical, spending irresponsibly, drinking in excess, or even being physically abusive. For abusers, this works to draw attention away from their bad behavior, put the victim on the defensive, and confuse bystanders, who may be hearing about these incidents secondhand and thus be unsure of whom to sympathize with.)
He Regards Himself as the Final Authority
According to Bancroft, many of his clients felt that, as a father or husband, they were the head of the household and had the right to make serious decisions on behalf of their partner or the family. Abusive men will often offload the work of actually caring for their children onto the mother, but then refuse to consider her opinion on issues like where they go to school. When it comes to money, he might berate his partner for mundane expenses and attempt to wrest control of it away, keeping her in the dark about what their financial situation even is.
The Aftereffects of Abusive Parenting
In Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, clinical psychologist Lindsay C. Gibson warns that this simultaneously neglectful and controlling behavior can impact the child of an abuser well into adulthood. Because their father’s affection is conditional and easily withdrawn, they may scramble to please him and suppress their own needs and desires to avoid upsetting him—the same way that their mother does. The roles of parent and child reverse, with the child becoming a caretaker to their father rather than being able to rely on him for support.
As an adult, they may allow their father to continue to exert undue control over their lives, dictating what they study, where they work, how they spend their money, and so on. Some rush into romantic relationships early as an escape, or to get the love they aren’t getting from the abuser—only to replicate the same unhealthy dynamics they’re used to. This might mean seeking out abusive men or becoming controlling and emotionally volatile themselves.
Abusers See Their Behavior as Justified
Far from feeling conflicted or guilty about their abuse, many abusers see their behavior as justified and even necessary for the relationship to function. Bancroft notes that while many of his clients fully understood that they were causing harm, they rationalized their behavior, saying things like, “I’m not like one of those men who would hit a woman for no reason.”
In the abuser’s mind, the victim actually causes the abuse by stepping out of line or upsetting him. He expects his partner to behave according to his rules, and whatever controlling or retaliatory action he takes is either necessary to control her or “not that bad” compared to truly meaningless cruelty. According to Bancroft, it’s this self-justification that makes abusers get worse over time, as increasingly violent and aggressive behavior will become acceptable to them if it allows them to maintain control over the relationship.
(Shortform note: Sometimes, an abuser will attempt to convince his partner to accept these same justifications, telling her that she deserves the abuse, and if she could just be “better” he wouldn’t act this way. This is obviously a lie, used to deflect responsibility and break down her self-esteem. No one deserves to be abused, and in fact, most abusers repeat the same behaviors over and over with new partners. Abusers aren’t reacting to the needs of their relationship, but repeating the same self-serving patterns of controlling or violent behavior.)
How to Fight Abuse
Bancroft’s explanations for abusive thinking help account for why abuse is hard to prevent: Most abusers don’t want to stop being abusive. Stopping means losing all the benefits that he gains from being abusive, and for him to truly change, he must take responsibility for the harm he’s done and resolve to treat others with more empathy and understanding. This means coping with feelings of guilt and potentially accepting the loss of a relationship, marriage, or contact with his children.
Because changing is such a difficult and initially unrewarding process, with many abusers being unable to grasp how treating their partners better might be healthier for their own emotional fulfillment in the long run, abuser programs often fail outright. Bancroft admits that many of his clients made no attempt to change, backslid as the work became increasingly difficult or they failed to convince their victims to take them back, or feigned changed behavior just long enough to finish the program, at which point they resumed being abusive.
Ultimately, abuser programs are similar to addiction programs in that they can only help a person who wants to be helped. No one can force an abuser to change, and Bancroft warns readers that it’s often better and safer for them to leave an abusive partner than to wait around in the hope of the relationship improving.
Do Abuser Programs Work?
The efficacy of abuser programs has been questioned since their inception, since multiple studies support Bancroft’s statement that few participants in abuser programs ever change their behavior. The Duluth Model, which provides the basis for most abuser programs, aims to teach abusers about feminism and patriarchy so that they’ll treat their female partners with more respect. This model has been critiqued for neglecting issues like race, class, mental health, and addiction, but there are few proposed alternatives.
While some advocates conclude that only harsh punishments like jail time can deter abuse, others believe that counseling should rely more on exercises and activities—such as requiring participants to demonstrate changed behavior rather than merely attending the therapy group each week.
Despite these difficulties, Bancroft believes that abuser programs can be enormously helpful in combating abuse, less for “fixing” all abusers than for the education and services they offer to victims. He therefore argues that for an abuser program to be successful, it must put the victim and her needs first, hold the abuser accountable, and address the cultural attitudes underlying abuse.
Put the Victim First
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Bancroft considers his work as a counselor to have been primarily for the benefit of victims, even as he had more day-to-day contact with abusers. The ultimate goal of anti-abuse programs is to stop the abuse from happening, and if changing the abuser is impossible, Bancroft considers it the duty of counselors and legal authorities to provide the victim with everything she needs to safely exit the relationship and heal.
To that end, Bancroft encourages anyone working with an abuser to establish and maintain contact with the victim throughout the treatment process. This will ensure, first, that the abuser’s treatment is guided to some extent by the victim’s needs and that he can’t misrepresent what happened in the relationship. Second, it will allow the counselor to direct the victim to additional services, such as domestic violence shelters, mental health organizations, and legal and financial assistance.
Abuse Victims in Court
Providing the victim with everything she needs can be challenging, since despite the increased attention paid to domestic abuse in recent years, victims are rarely treated with respect and compassion by legal authorities. Only a tiny percentage of men accused of rape or domestic violence are prosecuted, and the courts show a clear bias against women in divorce and custody cases.
In addition, police often dismiss victims, and there have been scandals surrounding the destruction of rape kits and other evidence related to abuse cases. Many victims avoid coming forward because they fear retaliation and doubt the ability and even the willingness of judges and police to protect them. For a victim to truly be helped, legal authority figures need to value her well-being as much as counselors like Bancroft do.
Don’t Enable the Abuser’s Self-Centeredness
Many anti-abuse programs fail, in Bancroft’s opinion, because they support the abuser’s selfish focus on himself. Therapy programs are generally based around dissecting the client’s feelings and the motivation behind their behavior so that they can better understand themselves and break out of toxic patterns. In contrast, Bancroft believes that anti-abuse programs should push an abuser to value the feelings and needs of other people—specifically those of his victim—and to take responsibility for the effects of his behavior.
Making Amends
Bancroft’s emphasis on responsibility is similar to the emphasis many addiction programs place on restitution and reconciliation. Addicts need to not only fight their drug or alcohol dependence but to make amends to the people they’ve hurt over the years—which sometimes includes accepting a total break with family members, partners, or children.
This can be a daunting and emotionally draining task, but counselors insist that doing so plays an essential role in helping the recovering addict to rebuild their life and ensuring greater accountability for their future decisions—if they’re in the habit of making amends and cleaning up after themselves, they’re less likely to act in ways they’ll regret in the first place. Similarly, an abuser who names and apologizes for his abusive behavior can hopefully avoid repeating it with his next partner.
Enforce Negative Consequences
Bancroft argues that because abusers are reluctant to change, forcing them to begin the process often relies on outside pressure—namely, the knowledge that failing to change will have serious consequences, both legal (such as an arrest or being charged with a crime) and personal (such as the loss of his partner, of other relationships, and of respect generally).
The power to enforce such consequences falls mostly outside the purview of anti-abuse programs, requiring changed laws and better advocacy for victims in legal cases, but counselors can at least enforce some consequences by making the abuser’s “passing” of the program conditional on his sincere engagement with it—particularly if it was court-mandated.
Looking beyond anti-abuse programs, Bancroft expresses hope that in the future, accusations or outright proof of abuse will lead to punitive action from authorities and people who have personal relationships with the abuser and the victim. Unfortunately, the seriousness of domestic abuse is downplayed or ignored in most societies, and many abusers never face any consequences, even after their actions become public.
(Shortform note: The 2017 #MeToo movement sought to hold powerful abusive men accountable for their actions by subjecting them to public exposure and shaming. While this succeeded in some cases, most famously in the prosecution of Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein, critics have noted that the majority of powerful men still escaped consequences in court and even in the court of public opinion. While abuse is now talked about more openly, it’s still largely treated as acceptable and not deserving of real punishment.)
Fight Cultural Beliefs That Enable Abuse
Bancroft repeatedly argues that abuse isn’t just a problem of individual abusers, but of cultural ideas about gender, power, and relationships. The abusive men he worked with felt empowered by the lessons they’d learned about “a woman’s place” in society and the behavior they’d seen modeled by the abusive men in their lives. Beyond gender dynamics, many abusive relationships rely on the abuser’s exploitation of a socially enforced power imbalance, be it related to money, job security, race, disability, and so on.
Examining Women’s Exclusion
Feminist scholars have spent decades analyzing how popular literature, music, television, and film work to reinforce sexist beliefs about power and how men and women should relate to each other. For example, Mary Beard’s Women & Power considers how literature and rhetorical theory both attempt to shut out female voices as a way of maintaining male dominance. Similarly, Rosalind Miles’ Who Cooked the Last Supper argues that the focus on men over women in popular histories serves to devalue women’s contributions to world events. Both authors conclude that changing the way we think about women, culturally, is an essential step toward making the material changes required for gender equality in the workplace, politics, and personal relationships.
The only way to fight abuse on a larger scale is to push back against these ideas about power and the general lack of sympathy for abused women. Bancroft encourages the reader to think critically about the cultural attitudes that enable abuse and to discuss the topic with their family, friends, colleagues, and especially with their children. He argues that such discussions have made a difference for abuse victims in the past; for example, the women’s liberation movement of the 1970s was instrumental in getting American courts and police to actually enforce laws against domestic violence.
Abuse in Pop Culture
Beyond the feminist movement, pop culture also played a role in changing attitudes about domestic abuse. For example, the 1984 film The Burning Bed, based on Francine Hughes’s murder of her abusive husband, promoted treating violence against women as a serious crime, rather than a private “family affair” the state had no right to intervene in. And this wasn’t the first time media helped to guide public opinion about what was and wasn’t acceptable in a marriage; Shakespeare scholar Emily Detmer has argued that The Taming of the Shrew reflects the growing belief in 16th-century society that it was inappropriate for husbands to beat their wives, even if they were permitted to dominate and terrorize them in other ways.
While conversations can change attitudes on an individual level, cultural products that sympathize with abused women and critique abusive tactics (if not abusive men themselves) can influence many people at once.
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