If you’re not attracted to anyone, but you don’t feel like you fit under the asexual umbrella, you might wonder if there’s something “wrong” with you. However, having a lack of sexual attraction can be common. Many people struggle to find a romantic relationship or connection that inspires attraction. Difficulty in feeling sexual or romantic attraction to someone could be due to various factors, including sexuality, depression, side effects of medication, or a lack of confidence in the ability to choose a partner wisely. Or, it could mean you haven’t found the right person to inspire feelings of sexual desire yet. This article explores why you might not be attracted to other people and what you can do about it. It also discusses asexual orientation and how to know whether it applies to you.
The psychology of sexual and romantic attraction
Many people go through moments when they don’t experience sexual attraction toward anyone or feel they’re not attractive to others, which could be influenced by factors like gender identity or hormonal changes. You might notice yourself scrolling through dating sites looking for the “right guy” but struggling to find matches you’d want to take on a first date. There’s nothing abnormal about feeling this way. It can feel worrisome though, and teenagers may worry more often than adults that a lack of romantic attraction is problematic. It might seem like the end of the world to younger people, and peer pressure can exacerbate the issue.
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As we mature and experience long-term relationships, we can begin to broaden our appreciation of people and learn to admire qualities in others that may not be immediately apparent. A relationship could struggle to survive if it’s based solely on the initial chemistry related to looks and the sexual desires they can inspire. While physical appearance and sexual feelings might initially spark attraction towards someone, a strong emotional connection that includes a trusting, loyal friendship and honest communication is often more sustainable.
For example, jealousy may make an individual feel wanted early in a relationship but trapped later. (Mental health research is constantly evolving, so older sources may contain information or theories that have been reevaluated since their original publication date.)
In other words, attraction can be important in a relationship, but it isn’t necessarily everything.
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Reasons for not feeling sexual attraction
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There are various reasons someone may not feel sexually attracted to other people. These could include the following:
Depression
Depression is a mood disorder that can lead to persistent sadness, self-esteem challenges, and loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities. There are many reasons people may experience depression, with the ending of a relationship being one possible factor. When someone loses a romantic relationship, it can affect their mood in ways ranging from mild to severe, including a loss of sexual desire and attraction. When serotonin levels are suppressed, so are the sex hormones affecting libido. Certain medications can also interfere with a person’s level of sexual interest.
When a person ends a relationship and consequently stops feeling attraction to others, it can help to get out and engage in enjoyable activities. Exercise can be beneficial for overcoming symptoms of depression, and it might reignite feelings of sexual attraction as well. However, depression may impede judgment, so be careful when seeking a partner. If depressive symptoms are stubborn and persist for longer than two weeks, seek professional medical or mental health attention.
The pressure to find “the one”
There are many reasons why people may want to marry or have a long-term relationship, often influenced by family expectations or a desire to connect with someone who complements their personality. For example, one reason for seeking a close relationship could be to please a parent who anticipates grandchildren. Or the person might want to experience romantic attraction and a sexual relationship because they feel their biological clock ticking. Many feel social pressure to be in a relationship, a pressure that can be amplified among friend groups or within certain social circles.
Many people create checklists of all the positive qualities their significant other “must” have in addition to feeling sexual and romantic attraction. With this checklist in mind, meeting people and exploring the possibility of being attracted to someone can feel exciting.
Asexuality
Limited sexual or physical attraction to others is called asexuality, and it isn’t entirely uncommon. Some experts estimate that people who identify as asexual make up approximately 1% to 6% of the population.
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The term asexual doesn’t indicate a sign of a medical problem or mental health disorder. In fact, there is no evidence suggesting that any chemical or hormonal imbalances cause asexual behavior. That’s why asexuality is considered a valid sexual orientation. Asexual people can still enjoy emotional or romantic intimacy and feel platonic attraction.
Being asexual means a person does not desire sexual relationships, but they may still find happiness in romantic relationships and friendships with those with common interests. In addition, an asexual person can still enjoy sex alone by masturbating. Often, people assume that those who are asexual do not partake in sexual activity. However, not everyone who is asexual is necessarily sex repulsed. Some might partake in sex for their partners or as an activity for physical enjoyment, even if it’s not a big deal to them. Asexual individuals might also experience emotional attraction toward other people, minus the feelings of sexual desire. They may experience a common interest in sensual affection, such as kissing, hugging, holding hands, or other qualities of romantic love. With an increase in worldwide acceptance for people with an asexual identity, more and more asexual people may feel less out of place and more embraced by their close friends and society at large.
Counseling options
Professional help is available for individuals experiencing concerns about sexual attraction. These feelings can sometimes trigger undue embarrassment or shame, making it hard to interact with people in person or leave the house. If this sounds familiar, consider discussing your concerns with a trained counselor or sex therapist through a platform like BetterHelp.
The popularity of online therapy has led to extensive research into its effectiveness. One recent study suggests that online interventions can be effective in addressing relationship challenges. Specifically, individuals enrolled in these programs reported reduced stress and improved confidence. If you feel like you’re not attracted to anyone and these feelings are causing you distress, online therapy could be a valuable option to consider.
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