It feels…awful to be left on delivered. “You can feel uncertainty and lack of confidence,” says Reena B. Patel, LEP, BCBA, licensed educational psychologist and behavior analyst. “It might make you overthink what you sent and if you said something wrong.” Feelings of insecurity and rejection might bubble up, getting more intense the longer the message goes unanswered.
As our communications revolve increasingly around texting, social media, and dating apps, being left on “delivered” (and its close cousin, being left on “read”) has become a part of our daily lives. But what should you do when the message shows up as “delivered,” but you’re not sure if it’s ever been read? How much leeway should we give a late reply to a text before it officially veers into ghosting territory? Or should we just put our phones down and stop overthinking this entire thing, for the sake of our mental health?
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What does being left on ‘delivered’ mean?
“Delivered” notifications have become a staple of social media messaging platforms, text messaging systems like iMessage, and dating apps. When you send a message, you might notice a small notification or icon that signals your text has been sent. Initially, it can feel reassuring to know that the message has successfully been delivered, especially if spotty reception is an issue. But if you don’t get a response, especially after a couple of days or weeks, that assurance can transform into stress, insecurity, and even fear. Did your message never go through? Do they think you’re ghosting them?
“When left on ‘delivered,’ it’s natural to have a range of emotions arise, including anxiety and embarrassment,” says Krystal Mazzola Wood, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist and author of Confidently Authentic. If you’ve experienced traumatic social or romantic rejection in the past, it might even trigger those insecurities again, playing into a false narrative that you aren’t “good enough” to be responded to, Wood explains. And if you’re being left on “delivered” by a friend or family member who usually responds promptly, thoughts that they might be angry with you, or that something terrible might have happened, could come creeping in.
Why would someone leave you on ‘delivered’?
Instead of sinking into a “what-if” anxiety spiral, let’s turn the tables and think of the issue from the perspective of the person you messaged. “Someone might leave a message unread because they are preoccupied, stressed, or overwhelmed,” says Rachel DeAlto, CSP, communication and relatability expert at Stir. “In those states, the messaging becomes less of a priority, even if they are still interested in the person.” Think back to a time when work was piling up, or you were feeling too tired or sick to do anything but sleep. Chances are, you’d want your friends and family to give you a bit of grace if you weren’t feeling up to responding right away.
“Our preoccupation with message status is a sign of the times.” —Dr. Michele Leno, psychologist and talk show host of Mind Matters with Dr. Michele
In fact, a 2023 study conducted by researchers at Guangxi University in Nanning, China found that people who used social media frequently experienced increased levels of anxiety and had fewer coping skills to deal with their emotions; increased anxiety directly correlated with increased time spent on the social media platforms. So, if the person you messaged is receiving a lot of other digital correspondence, they might feel too tapped out to respond, especially if the message you sent is asking for some sort of emotional output or decision from the recipient. “Maybe they are working on prioritizing their time and energy and are going to sit down later with their phone and work on responses at a specific time,” Dr. Patel suggests.
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Additionally, consider the context of your message. Did your message include a question or request to make plans, or were you simply sharing an article you thought was interesting? In a 2022 study conducted by the University of Pennsylvania2, social media users were found less likely to react or respond to messages they didn’t perceive to be directly related to them. So if you sent your sister an article about cats and she’s a dog person, she might be more likely to leave you on “delivered” than if you sent the same message to your cat-loving friend from college.
“Our preoccupation with message status is a sign of the times,” adds Dr. Michele Leno, psychologist and talk show host of Mind Matters with Dr. Michele. “Although we imagine the worst possible scenario, it is possible that our friend never saw the message or simply did not have time to open it.”
How long is too long to be left on ‘delivered’?
Think about the communication styles of everyone you know, from your twelve-year-old, text-happy cousin who just got a phone, to your elderly aunt who leaves three-minute voicemails and expects you to respond immediately. Dating styles can vary drastically, too. Also, consider the context: If it’s been a few days and you haven’t heard from the guy you’re dating, he might be sending you a signal he’s not interested. But if it’s been a few days and you know your friend is on a cruise, it might be no big deal that she waited a few days to respond. So, consider the circumstances individually before deciding that this person has no intention of responding. (Also, they might have just forgotten and need a reminder!)
But in most cases, especially with a potential dating partner, two or three days is the ideal window of time to wait before sending a friendly and upbeat follow-up message, suggests DeAlto. If several more days pass and they don’t respond to the second message, it’s time to consider whether or not this person is actually interested in a relationship with you, or if you’ve officially entered ghosting territory. Resist the urge to send additional follow-up messages, which can quickly veer into fexting (aka when a texter uses manipulative or confrontational tactics to instigate an argument).
Is it worse to be left on ‘delivered’ or ‘read’?
For some people, knowing when a message they’ve sent is “read” by the recipient can also trigger mixed emotions. On one hand, it’s reassuring to know that the message has been opened. But if the recipient doesn’t respond right away, it can feel especially hurtful, says DeAlto. “You know they’ve seen your message, but they chose not to respond, which can lead to feelings of rejection, confusion, and frustration,” she says.
On the other hand, being left on “read” provides some certainty: They read my message! This means they haven’t lost their phone, aren’t hurt or in trouble, and are continuing to check their messages. If you tend to worry about the health and safety of your friends and family, this can be a reassuring feeling. If the recipient has read the message but failed to respond, however, this might also indicate that you aren’t a priority to them. Although they were curious about what you had to say, they didn’t care to put in enough effort to reciprocate. That can feel particularly hurtful if you often feel like you put more effort into relationships than you get in return. “If there is no response, we are left to fill in the blanks,” Dr. Leno adds. “The rumination begins.”
In a 2020 study conducted by the University of Castilla-La Mancha in Cuenca, Spain1, psychologists determined that inconsistent lapses in communication from dating partners—like ghosting, benching, breadcrumbing, and quiet quitting—all have the same detrimental effects. Daters who were subjected to these behaviors reported higher levels of helplessness and self-perceived loneliness, and they felt less satisfaction in life. (Yikes!) So whether you’re being left on “delivered” or “read” for an extended period of time, neither is ideal for your mental health.
Should I say something to someone who left me on ‘delivered’?
Whether or not you decide to respond to the person who left you on “delivered” is entirely up to you and your communication style. In fact, our experts are divided on whether it’s a good idea or not.
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Let’s give your friend or dating partner the benefit of the doubt: Maybe they truly did forget to respond. If you think this could be the case, DeAlto suggests waiting a couple of days, then sending a quick and polite follow-up message to jog their memory. “Keep the message brief, friendly and casual,” she suggests. “Something like, ‘Hey, just wanted to check in and see how you’re doing!’” While it’s tempting to ask why they haven’t responded, DeAlmo advises not to mention the unread message. This way, the recipient won’t feel attacked or judged, and they’ll be less likely to get defensive about their lack of response.
Dr. Leno recommends picking up the phone if you haven’t heard from the recipient in a week or so, especially if this is a close friend or family member. “Simply let them know that you are inquiring about your message and confirming receipt,” she says, adding that this clear, straightforward method will limit your anxiety and keep the lines of communication open in your friendship.
On the other hand, there are some cases where an unopened message is a sign that the recipient is just not interested, especially if this person is a potential dating partner. “This is already a person not receptive to engaging with you,” Wood explains. “For whatever reason, they aren’t even in a place to simply read your message. This is not a person who will invest the time and energy it will take to create a healthy, lasting relationship with you.” Instead of letting the uncertainty continue, Wood recommends shutting down any obsessive or unhealthy thoughts. It may help to admit that the relationship has fizzled out, so you can begin focusing on dating partners who seem genuinely interested and do respond to your messages. Otherwise, your relationship could start to morph into a delusionship, where the feelings become one-sided and you realize you’re pining for a romance that was never there in the first place.
How to respond to being left on ‘delivered?’
Give them time to respond
It’s normal for some people to take several days—even up to a week—to respond to messages on text platforms, apps, or social media. Respect the messaging styles of others, even if this is not how you would personally respond. If you’re starting to feel panicky, resist the urge to send more messages and find a way to distract yourself instead.
Distract yourself
Our experts recommend waiting at least two days-if at all-before sending a follow-up message. Instead, if the anxiety around not hearing back is getting overwhelming, try breathing exercises and other meditation techniques. Go for a walk, talk on the phone with a friend (preferably not about being left on “delivered”), cook your favorite meal, and try your best to relax.
Send a polite follow-up message, if appropriate
If a few days have passed and you think the recipient may have missed your message or forgotten to respond, it’s appropriate to send a polite check-in. If possible, avoid mentioning that they haven’t responded to your prior message. Keep your message light and positive. So, if you asked about meeting up for dinner soon and haven’t heard anything, you could send a follow-up along the lines of, “Hey! Just checking in to see how you’re doing.” If they respond to this follow-up message but don’t acknowledge the previous missed text, then you can say something like, “Are we still on for dinner next Saturday?”
Know when to let go
If it’s been over a week and you’re still wondering if that guy from the party will ever text you back (or if he’s even read your message), it’s time to delete his number and end things gracefully. There are other guys who like running and dogs. We promise.
Final thoughts on being left on ‘delivered’
Putting yourself out there can feel vulnerable, whether you’re waiting on a response from that flirty guy from the farmers market or your old best friend from fifth grade. “It’s uncomfortable to risk showing someone attention without reciprocation,” Wood explains. “Learning to cope well with these uncomfortable feelings is one of the best things you can do for yourself during the dating process.” It’s not about eliminating or avoiding the discomfort, she explains. Instead, it’s about working with the uncomfortable feelings and using them as a road map to discover what you’re really looking for in a relationship.
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Category: WHY
